Elementary School AKA when I learned the importance of hiding me

            I remember in fourth grade I was facing feelings my friends had no idea existed yet. I was feeling guilt for burdening my parents with finical cost, stress so bad I did not want to go to class but instead spend my day in the counselor’s office, which smelled like vanilla and felt safe. Then I remember one day sitting outside a Friday’s I thought about taking my own life. (One of the two times this thought has ever seriously played out) I knew even then as a child that I should hide these things from the outside world. That no one would love me if they knew my pain. Instead I should wear dress, paint my nails, and make my mom curl my hair. That will show them everything is just fine.

            6^th grade rolled around and I was well into my plastic persona. Who do you want me to be and that’s who I will be. A Beatles fan? Sure let me buy every CD I can find. Trash a public bathroom because it is fun? Sure I knew even at that age it was dumb but hey I wanted friends so screw what my heart tells me. I don’t think I made one decision based on what I liked cause I did not matter and my feelings were second to everyone else.

           

 There were few truths I knew even back then.

1. I wanted to be a mom and wife.
2. Texas A&M is where I would attend college
3. Teaching is what I would spend my life doing

Well only one of those ‘truths’ panned out in growing up.