School

Been awhile since I posted, I'll get better at this, a lot has changed I am no longer working I am going to school. The most exciting part there is a glimmer of hope I may get to transfer to Texas A&M Commerce and be part of the Aggie family. Right now community college and trying to pay as I go. I have no idea where the $ for A&M would come from but I am TRYING to let to and let God.

Accepting the good, that's what I am working on currently. I have a hard time trusting that school won't be taken away again. I worry about the dumbest things, like moving in September (5 months away), or if I get my Aggie ring one day what am I going to do? I have my wedding band and a beautiful right hand ring Brian gave me toward the beginning of our relationship. Seriously why do these things bother me daily? It will be at least another 2 years before the ring is even a possibility and money may stop it before it even ever happens. So why do I feel pain in my chest about it? Logic tells me it's dumb but I can't seem to get that trough my head.

When I Grow Up

As I have mentioned the three things I wanted ‘when I grew up’ were to be a mom and wife. Attend Texas A&M because there IS nothing better than being an Aggie. Then spend my life and time teaching children.

Well you know the saying about best laid plans….

I am a wife that happened at an early age and is the single greatest thing in my life. My husband is the only reason I wake up some days.

I am not a mom and don’t know that I will ever be, which breaks my heart. I just think of a child and all the responsibility. I never want to bring a human life into existence that I cannot give 100% to emotionally and finical. There may come a time that is possible for now it seems impossible.

Texas A&M.  This one cuts the deepest. Even now I try to wrap my brain around the fact that I will never spend my Saturdays in the student section humping it. This topic deserves its own post one day.

Teaching, well that goes along with no college. I have come to realize that I cannot blame anyone for this. I have to take responsibility. I barely passed math from 4^th grade on and spent my time trying to seem perfect instead of working on what was important. I was naive and believed I would just get to go to A&M that would just happen after graduation, my dad and I always talked about it. Yeah well college takes money and good grades neither of which I had. Tried the Jr College thing with hopes to transfer but with all the time I have to devote to studying just to keep up with the other students and work full time it is not possible for me. So I move forward.

Elementary School AKA when I learned the importance of hiding me

            I remember in fourth grade I was facing feelings my friends had no idea existed yet. I was feeling guilt for burdening my parents with finical cost, stress so bad I did not want to go to class but instead spend my day in the counselor’s office, which smelled like vanilla and felt safe. Then I remember one day sitting outside a Friday’s I thought about taking my own life. (One of the two times this thought has ever seriously played out) I knew even then as a child that I should hide these things from the outside world. That no one would love me if they knew my pain. Instead I should wear dress, paint my nails, and make my mom curl my hair. That will show them everything is just fine.

            6^th grade rolled around and I was well into my plastic persona. Who do you want me to be and that’s who I will be. A Beatles fan? Sure let me buy every CD I can find. Trash a public bathroom because it is fun? Sure I knew even at that age it was dumb but hey I wanted friends so screw what my heart tells me. I don’t think I made one decision based on what I liked cause I did not matter and my feelings were second to everyone else.

           

 There were few truths I knew even back then.

1. I wanted to be a mom and wife.
2. Texas A&M is where I would attend college
3. Teaching is what I would spend my life doing

Well only one of those ‘truths’ panned out in growing up.

Why Blog?

     This is something I have toyed with for a long time now. Therapy and drugs have fallen short and I am at the end of the line with myself. I need a purge. I need to be honest with everyone, starting with me. For the entirely of my life I have spent every ounce of energy to be ‘plastic’. By that I mean I want the outside world to see me and say wow she has her shit together I want to be her. In reality I have a lot of shit and it is hardly held together.
 
     First and foremost this will be where I get honest. I am going to go back through my life and share some stories that stand out to me as moments I pieced together my plastic shell. By reveling the ugly truth I hope to find the real me and make peace with her.
           
     Secondly I love to write. Journalism would have been one of my top two career picks ‘when I grow up’, teaching being the other only plan. However I am grown up and neither teacher nor journalist, we’ll get into that more later. This will be serious to read at times but also funny, full of beauty tips, my commentary on sports and current events. Promise not all deep cry your eyes out crap.
           
So read and follow or don’t. For the first time in my life this is something for me not ya’ll.